What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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