Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
