We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
