If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
