I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
