Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Randomize
