Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
