Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
