Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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