ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
