i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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