I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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