If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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