He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
