She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
