: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
