Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
