The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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