I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize