I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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