Please, let me fuck your mom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
