omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
