Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
