My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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