the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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