i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
