I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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