His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
