I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
