I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
