you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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