Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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