just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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