I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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