i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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