my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
