Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize