rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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