Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
