I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
