I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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