i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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