What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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