In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
