I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
