Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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