its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
