no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
