the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
