I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
