I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize