I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
