if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
