Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
