Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
