just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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