Four minutes until I can fart!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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