What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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